OMG it's the CHICKEN!

Okay, so I've been eating chicken since about four weeks post op, right? Well, now my stomach has decided it doesn't LIKE chicken - chicken HURTS going down. Even when it's soft and has been put in a pasta bake and baked in the oven with lots of pasta sauce and stuff. And it goes down (hurting) and then sits there, threatening to come back up like it did on Friday. ::sighs:: Of course, I've just made a big arsed pasta bake. I meant to make a small one but it turned out about the size that would feed a family of three or four, so needless to say I was going to eat it for the next few days AND freeze some. But if I can't eat it because of the chicken . . . and I really need to eat the chicken first (because of the protien) then the veges I mixed in with it (lotsa veges) and only then should I be eating the pasta. ::sighs:: Anyway, I'll try it again tomorrow (sometimes teh tummy is funneh - what is fine one time is not another and then becomes fine again) and if that fails I will experiment with red meat (which I haven't tried yet but which some post oppers actually find easier to eat than chicken) and failing that I shall move on to tofu which is at least very soft!

Also, I was told at work today in very nice and caring and gentle terms, but still very firmly, that my trousers look like a full nappy they're that loose, and I need a new bra and a proper bra fitting (the lady who told me this even offered to get her sister to go bra shopping with me because her sister is a trained bewbie measurer at our most expensive department store what measures bewbies!). Of course, there's no point in paying for new bras, but I will hunt out the smaller bras I have somewhere, and try on some smaller trousers to see if I can go to work looking less baggy.

Lastly, I wish that my manager would stop with the multiple personality disorder already, it's driving me nuts. If I become a probation officer, the likelihood is that I won't have her as my manager and that will be a big relief!

What else . . . oh, I went for a good walk after work with Linda - if anything says I have more energy, it's that I can still go on a walk at 5 at night after a day of work when it's gotten cold and dark . . . and then come home and cook. Go me!

In other news - KNITTING! OMG! I'd rather be knitting!

Edit to add: Lots and lots of vomiting later and I feel better. You know, my dinner didn't look that much different the second time around than when I first ate it! Heheheh. I either need to chew the chicken a lot better, or just not eat it for a while. Something like that.

Of the good - I've just tried on two pairs of trousers that didn't fit before surgery. One pair fits perfectly ::immediately makes them work trousers:: and the other pair is *almost* there. Wee bit tight around the tummy still - but fits really well everywhere else, even the butt. I also found some smaller newer bras so my bewbs will no longer keep my knees company during the day. I know I have more trousers somewhere, I just have to find them, but I'll look more tomorrow.

The biggest problem with tonight's vomit session is that I didn't get to knit. Well, that and feeling like a bulemic! (Before surgery I couldn't make myself vomit with the finger down the throat trick - I never really tried, except when I had food poisoning or something and *needed* to vomit and couldn't . . . well, the finger down the throat trick works really well now! BLERCK! Linda and Sheryl say I am no longer a vomit virgin . . . after tonight I've decided I'm a vomit veteran! Heee.

Life is still good. Vomit and all. (Actually I kinda finally feel like I *am* a post op weight loss surgery patient. Vomiting is a right of passage you know!) Anyway, I've had a shower and am warming up (the bathroom is cold to vomit in) and am sipping at a drink and that's not causing any problems, so that's good. I shall go to bed soonish because since I went back to work three weeks ago I haven't managed to work a Tuesday yet! Mwah! So I need to get up early and get there! No staying in bed (but bed is gooooood).

COCKSUCKER!

That was the word of the day today. The gentleman who hurled this piece of invective (thankfully not at me today but at the duty officer) then slammed the door so badly on his way out that he bent the hinges so out of skew that the door wouldn't shut at all. We took pictures before the door was fixed and saved the bent hinge, and the probation officer dealing with him may press charges next week (more for the damage than the expletive). Yay! Work is exciting at the moment. I also can't believe I forgot I scraped the car on Wednesday until my manager reminded me today. OOPS!

You know, even when you think you're well fortified to talk about sex, rape and suicide, it still has an impact.

All of which is made better by a nice hot mug of chai tea. And a really nice therapist whom I luffle. ::luffles on therapist::

Life is still good - it just has a backstory full of angst. YAY! ::grins::

Oh, and I don't think I've actually said this here before, but for those of you who suffered through my various suicide attempts, even if I wanted to do that again (which I totally don't - house, job, investments, tiny tummy, LIFE FTW!!!), I actually can't - I'm too chicken to slash my wrists properly . . . and my stomach no longer has enough volume to hold an overdose. So I have to LIFFF! Whether I like it or not (at the moment I like it) . . . . so y'all can rest easy. Heheheh.

"You're as bad as your father," Jen whispered softly as he ran his hand over Damian's bare ass.

( All right, you guys, admit it, who wrote this? )

Is it silly to give away a $350 gas heater? In my mind it isn't but I wonder if other people will think it is. The heater and gas bottle are nearly new (bought them at the start of the year if you remember) and the gas bottle is half full - there's not a single mark on the heater at all, and it's a good brand. But to be honest, while I could sell it on Trademe or something, I just can't be bothered. I don't *need* the money I'd get from it, and the hassle isn't worth it . . . it's easier to find someone who needs a heater and give it to them and feel good about the knowledge that maybe I've helped someone out a little bit and that the heater is going to somewhere it will get used, rather than sitting in my basement going rusty. I've been really lucky lately, so much so that I could pay for a heat pump outright, so I kinda feel like passing that on to someone else. My grandad would have approved - he was extremely careful and sensible with his money, but he was the first one to open his hand and his wallet when someone needed help. So someone on Freecycle was asking for a gas bottle, but hoping for a heater as well if possible . . . so I rang her up and she was really thrilled and genuinely grateful when I offered her both . . . so we both win - she gets something to keep her warm, I know my heater is going to get used, I get a good feeling from doing something good, and I don't have to fart about trying to sell it. It's all good. And I think she'll be even more thrilled when she sees the perfect condition the heater is in (I get bonus good feelings knowing I've sent her a *safe* heater to keep her warm . . . . cos with second hand stuff, no matter how good people's intention, you can't always guarantee safety if they're over about a year old).

Meanwhile, I have my heat pump going . . . the only problem with heat pumps is that while they're heating and blowing air around, the draft is a bit cold. Also, the kitties are going to miss having something warm to lay in front of. But I might go looking for a few sacks of wood over the weekend, because I also like the direct heat and the fire going. I mean I did like the gas heater and it's direct heat - but it created condensation and having to haul gas bottles was a pain. I was also going through two gas fills a week and that was costing $52!! That's heating for a MONTH or more with the heat pump. YAY!

I need to think about eating something. Falafel tonight (and tomorrow for lunch, and probably for the next few days!!).

Edit to add: You know, I think it's just that I have too much STUFF. I just put my breadmaker on freecycle and it was taken in about ten minutes (LOTS of replies). Which is good, because although I loved it and did use it from time to time, it was a family sized one I bought when I had a big family. When I made a loaf for myself I either gorged on it or didn't get through the whole loaf. And now, I pretty much won't be eating bread and certainly not in large amounts (because carbs are the last things you eat - which means you probably won't have room for bread). It seemed silly to keep it, so of it goes to a lady who has just started making her own bread by hand. I offered my large grill too . . . too big. Wonder what else I don't need anymore that I can give away. When I get organised I'll probably offer my ancient computer - might be good to someone who tinkers. But you'll NEVER GET MY LAPTOP!! Although I might offer the cats . . . Also, I should ask for a door to the lounge - the heatpump is heating well . . . if I wanted the hall way that is! Because it faces the hall door and the air is blown that way, the hall is nice and toasty. The bit where I'm sitting, NOT SO MUCH!!! Heheheh. I need to make sure to set it for an hour or so before I get home because it does take a wee while to heat the place up (the theory is that once can, the heat pump will provide heat that takes the chill off in the morning and before I get home and for those days that just need a little bit of heat . . . but the main heating in winter will be the log burner - but carrying wood at the moment still isn't a happening thing).

Edit again to add: You'll be glad to know, though, that Minx found the warmest place to sit within about five minutes - she's on the back of the chair directly under the heat pump. The tart.

I've made the executive decision not to try to get to work at all today - it's started snowing again, and when I rang in there's only 5 people at work anyway (out of about 20). Taxis aren't running, buses aren't running, the parole board was cancelled etc etc. There are two admin staff at work, so the lady on reception has someone to cover her breaks at least . . . and I just don't think it's worth the risk. Especially since I am still healing (people seem to forget that) and if I fell over or crashed and got hurt, or got sick from being out in the cold, it would take me longer to get better. And falling could still redamage the surgical scar and surrounding tissues and muscles and stuff. If I get in trouble I get in trouble - they can't fire me over this when noone else has turned up either.

I'm going to stay snuggled in bed. Teeheehee. ALL DAY!

And I think I'll cancel my counselling appointment and stuff.

I was stealing myself to get out of bed this morning and go to work (and not doing a very good job) when the lady who lives down the road from me who also works with me rang up to see if I was going to work - before that point I hadn't realised we'd had a snowfall (not much by most standards but lots by ours). We both agreed that we weren't going to try and go to work yet, so I've hopped back into bed and am listening to the radio to try and hear something about the road conditions. Seemingly under the snow is black ice and the roads are littered with abandoned cars and stuff. I looked out the window and I can see two major roads from my house and neither have much traffic. Cars are even going slowly along Kaikorai Valley Road (which is flat and rarely gets enough snow to slow cars down). Stone Street (big hill) was empty (not usual at this time of morning) and there was one car attempting Stuart Street and I watched it start to go up, then I saw it's tail lights sliding backwards in the wrong direction.

I'm going to stay put until about ten then I'll reassess and try to get to work then (if I was still working at the hospital I'd just take the whole day off ::sighs::). I just hope that if I do get to work that I can get home again! Okay, I'm going to look out the window again then ring in to work.

The weather service has issued a warning about a big dump of snow we're due for. I live above the snow line . . . . I have no problem taking the day off due to snow, but my problem lies in the fact that one of the probation officers lives in the same street, and if she shows up at work and I don't (or vice versa) the 'snow' excuse wears a bit thin. We've exchanged phone numbers so we can coordinate work dodging efforts. Heheheh.

I worked the full day today without much of a problem - even though I didn't convince myself to get out of bed until eight, I lost my wallet briefly (but annoyingly), forgot to take lunch (I'm learning that I need to keep some sort of long lasting food at work - so I went to the supermarket and bought some cheese to keep in the fridge. ALso have a half banana there too for tomorrow as a snack), breakfast was too small, I forgot to take the gas bottle from the heater with me to refill on the way home so I had to go out in the cold again when I got home, and I didn't get a chance to drop a key off to the man who's installing my heat pump on Wednesday (yay heat pump!). So all in all, I'm pretty much coping with everything life is throwing at me, although I'm still letting small things bug me a bit more than they should, and I miss working with the lady I worked with before the op, but the one I'm with now isn't too bad once you get used to her.

Crumbed chicken tender (chicken strip? Same length as a chicken breadth but only about a quarter of the width) and honey soy veges for tea - YUMMY++++++

OMG the weather guy on the news has just forecast blizzard like conditions overnight with 10-15 cm of snow (which means I'll probably get more). So not even trying to get to work in those conditions! At least not until later in the day. If the buses are running I could take a bus (although if the snow is that bad they won't run either) but I never have any change to pay for it. I could also walk down to below the snow line where buses will run, but I'm sorry, I'm still at risk of developing a hernia or otherwise hurting my guts if I fall over, so I'm not walking in the snow until it's safe either. I know I'm back at work and stuff, but I have to keep remembering I'm not fully healed yet . . . and the people at work need to remember that too! Dammit!

Lastly, I'm trying to decide whether to buy a gym membership or a bike to ride. I don't know which I'd get the most use out of - there's not many places in Dunedin I'd really feel safe riding regularly . . . but I'm not sure I'd maintain the motivation to go to the gym. And gym memberships are really expensive and could buy me a really good bike and a bike is something physical you actually get to keep and stuff.

Oh, and the swine flu is spreading in NZ . . . and I'm on reception so right in line to get it! I hope when they start doling out the tamiflu to 'front line staff' I'm counted in among frontline staff! Although, from what I hear, the swine flu doesn't necessarily have to be life threatening, it's just a really bad version of the normal flu - so you'll be utterly miserable and in pain and wishing you were dead, but you probably won't die. Except I'm not really in much of a state to fight it off - I'm run down from surgery and even more from malnutrition, so my immune system probably isn't too happy right now. So, overall, it does worry me just a wee tad, this whole swine flu thing.

CLAIRE YOU PHARMACIST YOU, what should I do?? Pay for a course of Tamiflu before all the supplies are gone and I miss out? Any advice??

I r knackered today and it's been a while since I updated! So . . hopefully in brief.

1. Kitties can now use cat door - they just choose not to. They will use it to come inside, but not to go out. Kitties are naughty!

2. I started back at work last Monday, supposedly full time. But I spent all Monday bouncing around and not pacing myself and ended up taking Tuesday off, which caused my manager to ring me and ask if I'd overdone it and would I like part time hours. And I was all "YES PLEASE" while thinking to myself "I suggested this to you six weeks ago and you gave me a flat out no!" But of course, in the meantime, everyone has had to do without me for six weeks . . . and I get the feeling they really REALLY missed me . . . because they were all genuinely over the moon to see me back. (The two women working reception while I was gone weren't the easiest people to get along with . . hehehe. So nice to be loved). I've also volunteered to be health and safety rep . . . cos that way I can make them keep the damned doors locked!

3. Had my six week post op check up - was very very brief which I took to mean I was doing well and there was nothing that needed major changes or anything wrong. He poked at my scar and said, yes, that middle part of it is a bit hard - probably necrotic fat tissue and it might cause trouble later on, but didn't say what. He said I can cautiously try any food I want now (and I can now eat moist chicken i.e. smoked chicken without much problem) as long as I stick to 90ml 3x a day. I am also officially 22 kg down. Which made him warn me about losing too fast and I'm like "WELL YOU DID IT!" ::grins::

4. I have spent the day out in the garden. Oddly today is the first day I've felt like I'm really enjoying being a home owner, because really it's the first day I've focussed solely on doing house stuff. I got up early (for me), hung out laundry, then dug another little tiny patch of the garden - put compost on it and blood and bone, then on both of the tiny patches I've dug (the two either side of the front steps) I've planted my dwarf rose bushes. I wanted to do this six weeks ago but never had time before the op and couldn't after. So YAY for planting them. THen I was knackered so I had a rest. Then lunch. Then I loaded up the car and went to the rubbish tip (yay, one load of cardboard boxes gone at least). I looked around their recycling shop, just because I like looking through the rubbish other people have dumped that is still useful. And really, looking around the place you could get a lot of stuff really cheap and after giving it a good wash, noone would know where you'd gotten it from! Plates and cutlery and all sorts of household stuff. Furniture you could do up. Kiddies books galore. All sorts. It's fun!

Anyway, after the dump I went to get mulch for the roses. Only it turns out that the mulch is in bags that are too heavy for me to lift. I got five bags of it, and I can't get it out of the car! I did manage to get one bag out so I could spread it on the garden, by tipping half of it into a big bucket and carrying it up in two parts. But even that was almost too heavy and I don't want to use the other bags yet. OMG SO HEAVY - I totally knackered myself doing it, and I need to stop doing stuff that requires heavy lifting because I'm still not supposed to due to the risk of a hernia. But I want to do stuff like that now and it's frustrating I can't. But I'm really tired now and sitting on the sofa and my scar is sore and itchy because all of the activity and lifting I've done. I'm so bad.

5. World of Warcraft is frustrating me because I can't get the hang of jousting. ::sighs:: Whoever heard of jousting on a big overgrown ostrich anyway!

Muffin is hungry. Minx is not. Muffin is hungry because her breakfast is outside and she won't go out the catdoor to get it. Minx is not hungry because, with some coaxing from Mum, she did go out the catdoor to get it, and then came in again. I think Minx's problem is going to be that she hates things on her head, so she won't just push the door open with her noggin, she tries to do it with her paw first and that don't work so well. But I think there's the faintest glimmering of the idea sparking somewhere in the empty cavern that serves as her head. I'm quite suprised actually - Muffin is usually the more confident and intelligent of the two, and I thought she'd get it first. But I guess Minx is more people orientated so pays more attention when I'm showing her stuff. I just want them to start using the damned thing!!

I've had a grumpy day today, mostly due to not taking my antidepressants, but partly, I think because I'm really tired (possibly from spending that hour outside in the cold yesterday) and because I need to drink more (and had a headache most of the day). I'm also having a bit of a crisis over what clothes I should wear - my usual ones are obviously too big for me, I have no idea what sort of clothes I want to wear now, and I don't know what to buy instead! All the nice ones on Trademe go for ridiculous prices . . . and I refuse to spend more than $10 per garment when in a month they won't fit anymore. I went to Save Mart (second hand clothes) but didn't find anything I wanted and I got really tired and worn out before I could have a good look.

I had to laugh at myself though - I went through to the kitchen before and thought suddenly "My life really sucks" . . . and then just as suddenly thought "Oh really? Does it *really*???" Because I couldn't help think about all the bloody GOOD things going on at the moment which make the 'my life sucks' monologue nothing but a lie. Stupid head!

Although I do wish that food went down a bit easier and didn't sit there in my stomach like an uncomfortable lump when I eat anything but puree. I think tomorrow I'll just have nothing but puree and see if that gives my tummy a rest ::sighs::

I went to the bank and made investments, yay!

Blergh, tummy feel sick. ::sighs again:: Never mind.

I was trying to teach the cats to use the new cat door - and I locked myself out. I had to go over to my over the road neighbour who I barely know (but at least I've talked to her) and use her phone to call a lock smith. The locksmith came, and picking locks? Not as glamorous as on TV. Nor as easy. He couldn't get the lock to either front door or back door open. So after fifteen minutes of wiggling and clicking (and that was just me . . ha, joking) he said "Okay, I'm going to have to drill it out". Which means a new barrel to the lock, but I was like "That's fine, I'm cold, I need to get inside, do it". Only when he went to get the drill he discovered he didn't have it! Ha! Spot the man with the embarassed face (although, seriously, why do criminals bother with lock picking, when they can just drill things out?). So he tried to get in through a window but it wasn't cooperating either . . . at which point I jokingly said "Well, you can always squeeze in through the cat door . . . " And he looks at me and he goes "You know, that might just work". >__

Yesterday my friends and I were talking about periods, because Sheryl had put on fluid weight and was trying not to freak out about an extra kilo. At which point I said "Oh, you know - I haven't had my period this month. I got it in hospital but haven't seen it since." Then I laughed and turned to Linda and said "I've just jinxed myself haven't I? I'll get home and it'll have turned up!" Well it wasn't there when I got home . . . but this morning? BINGO! Hehehehehe.

Strange and interesting fact - hedge cutting quotes vary hugely depending on who gives them. First guy quoted 1400 for lopping of hedge by 3 feet. Second guy quoted 340. Guess who I went with! That's like over a thousand dollars saved! WOW!!

My lawyer lady rang. There is going to be a rather large sum of money going into my bank account over night. YAYAYAYAYAY!! Tomorrow I do believe I will go shopping. (Okay, not really - the money is all planned out and pretty much spent. But I think I deserve a present of SOME sort).

Right now there is a nice man breaking the glass in my front door for me. It's going smash bash tinkle.

Okay, don't panic, he's not a burglar. He's putting in the cat door, which I then have to teach the kitties to use. Then I can stop being their personal valet and doorperson. Of course, I'm not sure Minx will get the idea - she's a bit thick. I'm going to chuck them both outside then stand inside with a saucer of meat - that should do the trick.

Right now I really need to eat because I'm so low in sugar I'm shaking. Actually, I should test my blood sugar and see what it is . . . :;wanders off:: Well actually, it's normal. How odd. I am kinda worried about my blood sugars - they took me off my diabetes meds at the hospital and said I was fine and didn't need them anymore, but I kind of don't believe them. But I have my check up next week so I'll be stropping and push them about it then. Go me.

That's all for now. I'm cold cos the heater isn't on cos the guy has the front door open. Once he's gone I'm going to have lunch then go to Mitre 10 (cos I like Mitre 10 dammit! It's my new favorite place!). Tomorrow I guess I should go to the bank and put my moneh where noone (i.e. ME) can spend it without me noticing. Heheheheh.

Bai!

My skin is so dry (all over my body, not just in parts) that I'm like a wrinkly old elephant. This is because I just can't get in enough fluids to keep myself properly hydrated - I sip constantly from morning till night, but it's still not enough. Of course, it's not helped by the fact that losing weight is already giving me loose skin. It makes a good party trick though - I can squish the skin on my boob up and leave ridged hand prints in it. It's bizaare.

Heheh. Over all I'm in damned good spirits though. Yay me!

I've just been getting quotes for various things around the house (feels so good to be planning to spend lots of money and not feel guilty about it - because I'm not spending it on me or on useless things, I'm spending it on things that *need* to be done to maintain the value of my house, keep it livable, and therefore protect the investment I've made in it. Well, apart from the cat door!). The heat pump man is coming up this afternoon to measure up and give me a quote (yay heat pump) and the hedge trimming people are in progress. The guy that's just been reckons about $2000 all up - that's to remove a tree, trim the left hand side hedge into neatness, and chop the right hand side one down about three or so foot so I get more sunlight into the back yard. To be honest, the figure didn't suprise me - the hedges are MASSIVE (over ten foot and very thick) and will take a lot of work and a lot of clipping removal. But I think the price will be worth it in the long run - if I get them cut down to size, then it's just a twice a year job at $100 a pop to keep them that way, instead of them being a constant problem and annoyance to me. I'm a bit suspect about the first man's prices though (he said $120 for the tree removal but another guy told me $48) so someone else is coming up this afternoon to have a look.

The cat door is being put in on Monday - then I get to try and teach my cats to go out it! I don't think this will be easy. Actually, if I teach them to go in . . . because I get the feeling that if they do get the knack they'll use it to stay inside all day. Heheheh.

So, the plan when Grandad's money comes through is as follows:

1. Pay off fridge and washing machine
2. Get Heat Pump installed
3. Get hedges cut/tree removed
4. Get chimney cleaned
6. Invest the remainder and start earning interest so next year I can use the interest to do other things.

The cat door is coming out of my miniscule bit of remaining savings so isn't on the list.

Next year I will get a new woodburner put in - although I will get an expert in woodburners up and see if the one I have really needs to be replaced. I mean it's ugly looking but it seems to work, and may be able to be reconditioned and connected to the water heater, rather than getting a whole new one (the new one I want is awfully purty though). I'm tempted, also, to get a dishwasher, but that's a sheer luxury (although it would add value . . . maybe when I tart up the kitchen I'll look at that).

And that's the state of Meri today. It's cold and overcast, so I'm under a blankie next to the heater (not that this makes it in anyway a bad day). Yesterday was glorious - sunny and warm, and I got up and pottered around, feeling fine. Did the dishes and tidied the kitchen then reorganised the food cupboard so I could find things. Sorted out all the baby food I had left and packed that up in a box, then when Shona came we took it down to one of the food banks. When the lady saw it she looked like she was going to cry at the sight of such a nice baby food donation . . . I made sure to tell her there was no tragic baby story attached to it, but wouldn't give her my name. heheheh. Then Shona and I went for a walk with her dog, then had lunch at a cafe. I had an iced chocolate which was way too sweet for me and made me feel queasy, and a baked potato which was so yummy - I only had the mashed bit out the middle of course, but it was YUM and they'd put tomato relish in the bottom which made it even better. I've never seen that done with a baked potato but I'll definitely be doing it in the future. It was a good day! Yay! I was sore afterwards though (wound wise I mean - the more I move the more it tends to sting a bit).

See yas!

I wish my mouth would stop tasting like ass all the time.

::sighs::

Note to self: Stop gulping water/liquid dammit! It doesn't work that way anymore.

On the upside, I seem to be managing to stay hydrated better.

On the downside, the district nurse filled the hole in my wound with polyfilla today (well, the medical equivalent). Ughy!

The upside again - my car now has new brakes and it's warrant.

Downside - it cost over three hundred dollars!

Downside - my gas bottle ran out.

Upside - Gerard was back from Wellington and went and filled it for me.

Upside - my home help finally turned up. Yay!

Upside - if I rest lots I feel almost normal and like I have energy to do stuff. Tomorrow I might see if I actually *do* have energy to do stuff.

Downside - the scales have stopped moving downward.

Upside - this doesn't worry me at all because it's well known that weightloss after gastric bypass has a bit of a rest around week three or four and will soon resume. It's just a sign of continuing normalacy.

I think that's more upsides than downsides.

That is all.

OMG writing is like pulling teeth today ::sighs:: Every sentence is a struggle and I've rewritten the same three hundred words about three times! BLERGH!!

I woke up this morning and it was SNOWING! OMG!! The weather was horrible and feriocious all night - hail and rain and wind and STORM. And this morning SNOW. It's pretty much gone now though - still hail laying around on the ground - but it was enough to make the district nurse ring and warn me she might not make it up today. SHe hasn't turned up yet so I don't know whether she will or not. Currently I'm waiting, yet again, for my home help lady (who I still haven't met). She was supposed to be here at one and it's now twenty past. I'll give her until half past or so then ring the agency. I'm getting a bit fed up with it - especially as these days all I seem to do is *wait* for people to show up! District nurse, friends, home help, whatever!! I'm sick of it! Ah well, I couldn't be bothered with her today anyway.

I got a bit of food stuck in my new tummy at lunch time - pain pain pain! Needless to say I didn't finish my lunch (although I'm feeling better now so I might go grab something in a minute). First time for everything I guess.

::sighs:: I wish the writing would just start flowing. Even if it's utter crap it's better than nothing!! I'm just not very inspired at the moment - it's hard to write man smut when you're feeling particularly grotty and gross and have a huge wound in your tummy and just want to sleep!! Ah well, I better give it another go. Maybe if I just keep writing and don't let myself stop. It's not as if I don't know where the story is going - it's fairly well planned out! It's just filling in the words that is the problem!

Oh man, the weather outside is ferocious! It's pounding down with hail and rain and it's COLD!! And it's coming down the chimney (but not into the fire itself . . . which wouldn't matter cos I don't have the fire going). But muawhahahaha, I am safe and snug and warm (because the gas heater IS going) inside my little house. It's just that in this house I can hear the weather more - in my flat I was on the groundfloor, so no roof for rain to pound on, and in a sheltered area, so it had to be pounding down times ten for me to really hear or notice it (I really only noticed it when the gutters were blocked and the rain dripped on the fire escape or something). Here, though, I have a roof directly over head, and I'm on a hill so much more exposed, and higher up so get more of the extremes of the weather changes. Oh, and it comes down the chimney ::grins:: It's pretty cool really.

My puddy cats are pretty much ready and able to go outside - I tried letting them out today, but neither of them would go, firstly because it was cold and raining, and secondly because one of the half grown kitten things (a black and white fluffy one) has been hanging around and taking every chance he gets to come inside (he came in with the district nurses yesterday! They thought he was mine because he just waltzed in, ran to the kitchen and started eating!) and that puts Muffin and Minx off going out. Tomorrow if the weather isn't too bad I'm just going to chuck them both out for a bit - they've been out enough that I know they'll reliably come back (in fact when they hear me call they come a running) and I'd really like to get rid of a litter box (it's still hard to scoop the poop cos bending is still difficult). Then I suppose I need to call the cat door man (which the kitten thing will undoubtedly use to come inside, while my girls will probably never figure out how to get OUTSIDE).

I took my car for it's warrant, finally, this morning - it failed. Which was half expected cos the brakes had seemed kinda squishy the last wee while. And sure enough it needs new front brakes. So I've booked it in for those on Thursday and fortunately the nice mechanic lives up around here so he's going to pick it up and drop it off for me so I don't have to try and do it myself. And I didn't even have to play the 'just had surgery card' to get him to do it either! YAY!!

This evening I feel pretty good - my tummy doesn't feel horrible, so I think I got the food balance right today (thank goodness) although there is definitely a fine line between 'just enough' and 'one bite too many'. Like the energy which just runs out, eating is very much a 'when the space runs out the tummy won't stretch no more' proposition, so I need to learn to stop after each bite for at least a few minutes to see if that bite was the 'just enough' bite. Unfortunately, so far, I keep eating too quickly and having the 'one bite too many' and then I feel uncomfortable and bloated until everything works it's way through. I have, I think, managed to get nearly enough fluids in today - basically I have to take every opportunity I can to drink. Middle of the night, have a sip . . . wake up at six in the morning, have a sip before going back to sleep . . . etc etc. I can't sleep in until eleven and then start - it doesn't give me long enough. Drink drink drink!!

My wound is still a bit yucky and worrying though. The original infected bit (a small hole about the size of a small finger nail that oozed bucket loads - at one point it soaked an adsorbant dressing, my pajamas and my sheets) is clearing up fairly well and hardly oozed at all yesterday . . . but there's a bit at the bottom that was a tiny bit open and yucky but which had been healing without getting any worse, that has now opened up completely, joined a bit above it, and is now about an inch long and half an inch or so wide and deep - right on the curve of my belly button. I think it's done that because in that region there's pretty much nothing but fat underneath it (the muscles, presuming there are any, are inches down because teh bellah is huuuuge) so there's no underlying support for it . . . and also, now I'm moving a bit more and twisting in different ways, it's pulled it open. It's really freaked me out having it do that, especially at this stage, when the rest of the wound is pretty much healed well, but the district nurses don't seem too concerned. they are packing it with special adsorbant stuff so that it heals from the bottom up rather than the top down, and I guess as long as it doesn't get any longer/deeper/wider it should heal okay. The scar there will just be wider than the thin line that the rest is.

Heh, the kittehs have discovered that warm floor boards and a gas heater are good to sleep on. Lucky kittehs.

I should head to bed now. Hopefully my homehelp will manage to get here tomorrow . . . although I didn't do too badly last week - I did the toilet and litter boxes and laundry and Shona came and vacuumed the floors and did some dishes for me, so the basics were taken care of. Just wish I wasn't so tired all the time!!

I am so fricking tired right now. Every day I'm getting tireder and tireder, not more energetic like I should. Each day I fight to get food in, my pills in, and most importantly of all, enough fluids in. The fluids are *hard* - I spend all day sipping as much as I can, just start feeling hydrated around bed time, then go to bed and re-dehydrate over night and have to start again. I know I'm not getting enough because the skin over my entire body feels dry to the touch. Of course, hydrating is hard when you're sleeping more and aren't awake to drink. I want my IV drip back - hydration while you sleep!!

Supposedly all this is normal.

My kitty girls are outside. I took them out for about 20 mins yesterday and they seemed to want more, so I've opened the doors and let them go for it because it's so nerve wracking. I'm inside Not!Watching them or I'll stress myself to pieces. So far they both have come back inside then gone out again so I figure they know where home is . . . but now they're out and off sniffing around things and I hope they don't sniff so far they get disorientated or run into something that scares them or whatever. I HATE the process of letting cats out for the first time in a new place. I'm always so sure I'm going to lose them.

Right now I'm waiting for Gerard to come and help me clean my car a bit so it can get it's warrant (which ran out while I was in hospital!!). I'm kinda tired of waiting for people, especially the district nurse, but I don't have a choice.

Oooh, Minxy has come back inside. YAY! I doubt Muffin is far away.

Tired . . . so tired. (And it doesn' thelp that my sleep cycle is screwed up - didn't get to sleep until FIVE this morning. What's with that???) I go back to work in three weeks and right now I can't imagine feeling well enough to do so!

Yay! Had a shower with my dressing off. Things feel clean for the first time in an age. Still have an oozy little hole in my wound that bubbles icky stuff when I squeeze it, but other than that, and the incessant itching (a good sign I know) everything is good with my wound. Got a lecture on not lifting stuff from the district nurse when she came to redress it. Now, I know, ideally I would sit here for the next three months and not lift anything heavier than a coffee cup . . . but how many people, in all practicality, have the luxury of doing that? I live in the real world, like most people, and most people don't have someone on call 24 hours a day to lift the things that need lifting. Especially when they live on their own. I *am* doing my best - I'm calling friends when I can, getting them to do stuff for me when they visit, and when I have to lift something if it's something I can break down into smaller parts then I'm making more trips with small loads . . . if it's something I can drag rather than lift, I'm doing that etc etc. And so far I don't seem to have bust myself.

Anyway, things I need to do over the next day or so:

1. Dishes (there's only a few but I should do them before they breed)
2. Sort out the laundry
3. Give the toilet a clean since my home help who didn't turn up yesterday rang to say she couldn't come today either because her daughter is sick. Toilet *really* needs cleaning, even if it's just on the inside.

I'd love to do a quick spot vacuum of bits of fluff and cat food and cat litter, but vacuuming is one of the things I'm definitely forbidden to do and am not going to try and do anyway. If someone comes to visit me I'll ask them to do it quickly (I don't want the whole house vacuumed, just the bits where the cats have made a mess).

I also need to read and send back the proof of my next chaser, and work more on the third one. But very soon (when I've finished my yoghurt) I'm going to get dressed and go for a wander around a shop. Yay!